I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I CAN MOONWALK!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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