when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize