just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
