Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
