The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
