When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
