"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
