he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
