she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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