Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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