There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
