i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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