10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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