she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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