I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
