I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
