vagina is talking i cant
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
