My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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