New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
