I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize