who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
