Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sarcasm needs its own font
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
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