At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
