Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
