Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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