i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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