Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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