Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
