every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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