you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
