He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
