Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
