I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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