I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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