I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
