Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
