dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
