My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
