I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
