I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
