You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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