i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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