NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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