Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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