I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
