He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
