Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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