my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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