I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
