I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
