why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
