How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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