my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
