Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
