Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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