i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
