It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
