I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
