glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
