I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
