Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
