The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dignity is for republicans.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
