WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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