Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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