If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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