I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
